Natalia's TH1RTEEN R3ASONS
by CrystallineMaple
Summary: [COMPLETED] I knew three things. One, Natalia Arlovskaya committed suicide. Two, there were thirteen reasons why she killed herself. And three, I am one of them. My OC's point of view, AU. Based off the book 13 Reasons Why.
1. Getting The Tapes

A/N- PLEASE READ ME- Hi! My OC is Maple Køhler, little sister of Mathias Køhler, etc. This story is based off of a book called Thirteen Reasons Why, but if you haven't read that story, this one will still make sense, because the reasons are different. Thank you!

_ I cannot believe this is happening._

"Mathias, I'm home," I call, throwing my bookbag down. My older brother and I still lived with our parents, which made sense, but they were hardly ever around. The only evidence that they even came by anymore was that sometimes we'd wake up in the morning and food would be gone from the fridge.

My name is Maple Køhler, and I could have sworn I would never do anything mean on purpose. Especially not make someone kill themselves. Remember that, please.

Mathias has been sick with the flu, so he stayed home, but he seems to be getting better.

"Hey, Maple," he replies. "I think there's a package for you."

"Really?" I ask, grabbing a can of soda and medicine for Mathias. "Do you know who it's from?"

"No," Mathias says. "Could you get me a glass of water?"

I roll my eyes. "You know, you can't order me around like a slave forever."

Mathias makes some gagging noises, pretending to throw up. "M-Maple, I'm oh-so-sick..."

I laugh. "You lazy ass." I toss him the medicine, get a glass of water, and take the package. I grab a knife from the kitchen and cut the box open. There's nothing on the box, no address except mine, no name except _Maple Køhler _messily scrawled across the top.

Inside are thirteen... cassette tapes? Each one is marked, from one to thirteen, in sharpie or maybe nail polish.

_ How am I gonna play these? _I think. The garage! "Mathias, do you still have that old stereo that plays cassette tapes?" I ask.

"Yes," he calls back. "It's in the garage."

I hurry outside, sit down on a stool, and pop the tape labeled _1 _in.

_ Hello there. It's Natalia Arlovskaya._

What? That's impossible. Natalia Arlvoskaya killed herself. She swallowed a handful of pills, and she died. End of story. So why are these tapes here?

_ Let me cut right to the chase, 'kay? If you're listening, you are one of the reasons why I died. You heard right. It's because of _you _that I killed myself._

No. That can't be right...

_ You think you're innocent, don't you? That you had nothing to do with me? You're wrong. Even though you caused me to suffer so, I don't want you to have to wonder. Ironic, isn't it? No. That's wishful thinking. Since you caused me to suffer, I want you to know what you did to me. I want you to have to live with it._

Natalia...

_I hope you enjoy the story of my life. I already know how it ends._

"What are you listening to?" Mathias asks, opening the door to the garage. I fly to the stereo, hitting all of the buttons, sighing in relief when the tape pauses.

"N-Nothing. I'm just working on a project." Mathias is a grade above me, one year older, so we don't have the same assignments, thank God.

"Oh, that history one I had to do last year? With the oral presentation part?"

"Yeah." I sigh in relief as he buys my story, shrugs, and goes back inside, and I resume the tape.

_ Okay. I obviously can't control you now that I'm dead- I know I'm dead, because if you're listening, I've already taken those pills- but, I would like you to do two things if you don't mind._

Sure, Natalia. What do you want?

_ One. I want you to listen to these tapes. I'm pretty sure you got a map a few weeks ago, didn't you?_

I freeze. Yes, that's right. A few weeks ago, someone had dropped a map of the town in my backpack, with the words _IMPORTANT- DO NOT THROW AWAY _written in big black letters, as well as red star stickers marking various places.

_ That map was from me. The red stars- 'places of interest,' I believe they're called- are places that are signifigant in these tapes. Go there while you listen to the tape if you want. Or don't, it doesn't matter to me._

Second. Each of the thirteen reasons is 'dedicated' to someone. And yes, I'm making air quotes at that. Each tape revolves around someone. Listen to the person after you, and please send these tapes to them. If you don't, there's someone else with a copy of these tapes.

And the tapes will get out. Everyone will know what you did. Everyone. Number thirteen? Number thirteen, you can take these tapes to hell.

I shudder. Even though it's silly, I hope I'm not thirteen. It's not just Natalia's words.

I do not want to be her last hope. I do not want to be the person who made her decide on her choice. I _do not _want that to be me.  
_  
How can I be so certain that these tapes will be released if you don't pass them on?_

This sounds like something from a mafia movie, or something stupid, but it's true. Trust me on this one thing.

You are being watched.

I pause, stand up, and go back inside. I need a minute. Just a minute. Mathias is sleeping, which is good, because I don't want him to ask what's wrong. I grab a glass of water, slowly sipping, taking deep breaths. I must have shock or whatever- pale face, hyperventilating. Ugh, I shouldn't have paid attention in Health.

Slowly, I feel the world sharpening. I go back outside, sit back down, and turn the stereo back on. Natalia's voice comes back.  
_  
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so... creepy. But it's true, there is someone else, and I know it sounds bad. But just hang in there. Hmm. Wow. I'm telling you to hang in there, when I couldn't even hang in there myself. Sorry.  
_  
This is awful.

_ Wait, nevermind. I'm not sorry. Anyways, now that we have those rules out of the way, it's tape number one._

Please don't let it be me.

_ So, Ivan Braginski, here's what you did wrong._


	2. Cassette 1: Side A

A/N- When Natalia is talking in the tapes, and she says 'you,' she means the person the tape is about, not necessarily Maple herself.

Ivan Braginski. I let out a sigh of relief, and then feel guilty. Even if I'm not the first person getting these tapes, I know I'm in here somewhere.

_Ah, Ivan. You guys remember all those rumors, right? The ones about me?_

Of course I remember, Natalia. There was a rumor that something happened- must I go into detail?- between Natalia and Ivan in the town park. Natalia was new to the city, so the rumor overshadowed everything else people knew about her. There was nothing left but to go with it.

_Are you ready, Mr. Braginski?_

Poor Ivan. When Natalia moved here, I was her kinda-sorta friend. She seemed okay, but I was there when she first met Ivan.

_Ivan. You were my first kiss, da?_

I choke at her imitation of Ivan. This tape is heartless.

_Um, guys, don't laugh at me, but I was infatuated with Ivan. No lie. Okay, so when I moved here, I remember Ivan was in love with my friend, Maple K_ø_hler. I do remember that._

I flinch at the mention of my name. This isn't supposed to be my tape. Our names aren't supposed to bleed onto each other's cassettes. But, I also recall. Ivan had a crush on me. I figured it was rumor. I didn't know it was true. I guess it was.

_So, a few years ago when I had just moved here, Maple and I were at my house, just hanging around, painting our nails, that sort of stuff, when she said, "Look. There is Ivan Braginski and his friend Yao Wang."_

I remember this, too. Natalia and I had watched as those two headed over, trying to get a better look at Natalia, the new girl.

_I don't know why, but sometime during that summer, you stopped liking Maple. No, don't go beat up Maple, she wasn't mean to him or anything. He just stopped. What I _do _know, though, is back two years ago- when I was a freshman and you, Ivan, were a sophomore- I would follow you around. At school. I worked in the attendant's office, so... I... um... got your schedule and stuff._

_Sorry. Anyways, when school started, I found out- one of the classrooms I had was one you were leaving from! I don't remember which one it was, but if I got my stuff from my locker fast enough, I was able to bump into you before you slipped to your next class._  
_So, every day, I said "Hello." And you would nod, sometimes smile, or say "hey."_

If this tape is directed towards Ivan, why does she sound so happy?

_And then, one day, I didn't. I didn't say hi. I just walked by you. Do you remember that, Ivan? You stopped and said, "Aren't you going to say hi?"_

Idiot.

_And I said, "why would I say hi?" And Ivan, you replied with, "because you always say hi to me!" And then, you started hanging around classes waiting for me. _

He did? That's not what I would expect from someone like Ivan Braginski. Don't ask me why. It's just not. But then again, I wasn't actually expecting Natalia to comit suicide, either.

_It seemed to take weeks, but finally, you asked for my number. I gave it to you, of course. When I got home, I looked at my phone. You had called me.  
I felt so happy. But I didn't answer. I wanted to see... if you were actually interested enough in me that you would call my home phone. It was in the directory.  
And you did. Before I could answer, my mom did. She asked you why you were calling. And she asked me._

"Oh," I lied, "that's someone in my math class. They probably need help with their homework." I made a point of throwing in an eye-roll, hoping to show my mom that this boy was nothing to be worried about.

She looked pleased. "Good. He said he needed help with math."

Our lies matched. I don't know why that made me so happy, but it did.

So then, you suggested we meet at the park.

Oh God. The park. The night that... that... if the rumors are correct, something happened that night. I never knew the truth. Now I will. At least, I think so. If a girl is going to kill herself, there's no reason for her to lie about what has happened in her life. I take another sip of water, hoping Mathias isn't going to wake up for a long time.

_I raced to the park. You weren't there yet, so I climbed the slide. You know, the big rocket ship one?_

I know, Natalia. They tore it down.

_Well, I was messing around up there, when I heard Ivan. "Natalia!" He said. "Come down! I'll catch you!"  
It was amazing. So I slid down the slide, and sure enough, you caught me. And then we kissed. It was the beautiful kind of kiss. We didn't make out. He didn't suffocate me with his tongue or anything like that. We just kissed._

And then what? Because I've heard so many rumors...

_And that was all. Wait, no it wasn't. We sat down on the swings, kissed one more time, and then went home. And that was all. Nothing else. I don't care about any of those rumors you've heard, but none of them are true. What I am saying now is the truth._

So that was all. It's nice to know, in a way, that Natalia's truth was the real truth. But what about Ivan? What had happened there?

_Our relationship didn't last. Ivan, you were a great boyfriend when I had you. I mean it. You were wonderful, very sweet, very kind. But then you started bragging. Bragging about things that hadn't even happened! So... I'm sorry, Ivan. Because the role you played, it may seem small to you._

There is no such thing as a small role in someone's life, because everything makes a difference.

I reach for the Stop button, about to insert the next tape, when Natalia's voice returns.

_Everything makes a difference. Do you understand? Please listen to me. And, Ivan, stick around. Because your name comes up later. Where? You won't believe it._

I wait for her voice to return, however it doesn't. The tape stops. Ivan's story is over- for now. I decide to head over to my friend Arthur's house. I scribble a note for Mathias, grab the tapes and map, and walk out of the house, thinking about Ivan and Natalia and the tapes.

"Arthur!" I call when I get to his house, waving. He's working on his car with his father.

"Hey, Maple," he replies, smiling.

"Hello. Hi, Mr. Kirkland," I say. Arthur nudges his dad. "Dad, you remember Maple, right?"

"Of course," he says, but I can tell he's lying. He doesn't remember me, but I'm not hurt or anything. Then his eyes light up. "Actually, I do remember you. You came over for dinner once, right? Nice manners, too." And I know he means it.

"Thanks, sir," I laugh. "Just came over to talk to Arthur really quickly."

Mr. Kirkland nods. "Fine, then. Arthur, you can take a break. I'm going into the house for a bit." He leaves.

I notice a Walkman in Arthur's car. It plays cassettes. And I need to figure out a way to steal it without him noticing.

"Could you start the car?" Arthur asks. "I wanna see if what I did worked."

I nod and start the car. Arthur smiles. "Good. Thanks." I grab the Walkman while his back is turned, slipping it into my bag, and get out of the car, walking over to where Arthur stands.

"So what did you want to tell me?"

"N-Nothing. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll see you tomorrow."

Arthur smiles. "Okay, Maple. Bye."

The streetlight flickers on, and I start walking. "Your house is that way!" Arthur calls, pointing the opposite direction. I smile. I need to lie. Now.

"Oh! I know! Just picking up something from the convenience store really quick!"

"Goodbye!" Arthur calls, turning. I expect him to yell, notice his Walkman is missing, but he doesn't. I keep walking.

I flip Ivan's tape over to Cassette 2. I slide it in the Walkman and hit play.


	3. Cassette 1: Side B

_Welcome back. If you're listening, one of two things has happened. Either you're Ivan, waiting to see who's next, or you're not Ivan, waiting to see if it's you._

I wait, sitting down on the curb. It's dark enough for the streetlights to be on, but not so dark I can't see.

_Emil Steilsson, sweetie, this one's for you._

Emil? Emil Steilsson? Huh. I think Emil was the one who made that list. A Who's Hot/ Who's Not list. I got on the _Hot _side, but I found the list a little insulting. I don't know why, but as soon as I saw _Maple K_ø_hler _it pissed me off a bit.

_Okay, two things. One- you voted me Bess Ass of the Freshman Class. What an honor! Gee, shouldn't I be just gushing with happiness? No. I'm not.  
Emil, you're probably thinking I'm just a silly little girl, overreacting to every little thing that happens. Why is this such a big deal? It was just a joke, right? Nothing to get upset over.  
Listen. I remember sitting down one day in class. We had to watch a boring documentary, and I was hardly awake. Until I heard the whispers._

I wasn't in Natalia's history class freshman year. I wasn't there when she got the list. In a way, I guess I'm kind of glad I wasn't there. I watch the sky grow darker, a leaf flutter down from a tree and land on the street by my foot.

_And then I saw the list being passed around. I just managed to catch 'Who's Hot/ Who's Not' scribbled across the top. I snatched the list when it came around, looking for my name- and- I found it. It was in the _Hot _side, which really annoyed me._

So I guess my reaction to being placed on the _Hot _side was logical as well.

_I heard snickering from behind me. Finally, I don't even remember how I knew, but I found out I had the 'best ass'. Whatever the hell that means, Emil._

Wait! I'm forgetting a detail. When I saw my name was in the Hot _list, there was a name right next to mine. But not above or below it._

Opposite to it. Which meant that person was in the Not Hot _column._

There were a few girls in the Not Hot column, but they didn't really take it seriously. At least, I didn't think so.

_Katyusha Braginskaya. That was the name. She looked pissed. I didn't think looks and popularity and stuff was that important to her, but maybe it was. So many things I don't- and never will- know._

I wince, kicking a rock across the street. I can now see the stars. I should probably head home, check on Mathias, but I can't bring myself to move. I just keep listening to Natalia's voice, waiting for her retell of the events.

_Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, check your map. C-3, I think._

I look. Sure enough, C-3 is marked with a red star. Red Liquor, I think.

_Red Liquor. I... don't know why it's called that. It was near my old house, though, so I stopped there whenever I had a sweet tooth. So I didn't go by often._

Okay, fine. I went there every day. Humph! Anyways, the guy that worked there often was a quiet, scary-looking man named Berwald Oxenstierna.

Will he get his own tape? I have heard of Berwald. He doesn't go to our school, but it's a known fact that he works Red Liquor as an after-school-job. Berwald is big, scary and really deathly quiet. I've only been by Red Liquor a couple of times, and he never spoke to me. I get up. I know where I'm going. I'm going to Red Liquor. To pay a visit.

In honor of Natalia, perhaps?

_Look, before I go on my spiel about Emil, Berwald never did anything to me. He never said anything. He won't get a tape. I just need to mention him.  
But he never did anything wrong._

After school, after I saw the list, I went to Red Liquor. Just for maybe Skittles or a few Oreos, hah. 

It makes me sad to hear Natalia's little laugh.

_Anyways, when I walked in, Berwald didn't say anything, like usual. I picked out some candy bars and set them on the counter, getting money from my purse, when the little bells rang and I knew someone had entered the store. I turned, and there, sure enough, was... Emil._

"Freshman Year's Best Ass, right in your store, Berwald!" Emil yelled. I flinched, and Emil grabbed my arm.

I look up, surprised to see I am already at Red Liquor. I open the door, and the bells Natalia just mentioned ring.

"Hello, miss. Can I help you?" I know from the voice it's not Berwald. I know just from the fact the person said something that it's not Berwald.

"U-um." I grab a Coke and place it on the counter. The guy smiles and takes my dollar, handing me the soda. "Is that all?"

"Yes," I say quietly. "Thank you." I leave, drinking the soda, wondering about Berwald and where he is. Maybe he quit? No, I don't think so.

_And then, Berwald made a noise. A little tiny noise- like a click of the tongue in his mouth or something- but it was the first noise I had heard him make. Ever._

I think, maybe, it was of disgust. I told him to get off of me, and I left. I don't know why this bothered me too much. Was I being stupid? But no, remember what I said earlier? Everything matters. Back to what I was saying. Do you remember who I mentioned a little while ago? Whose name was written opposite of mine, in the Not Hot list?

Katyusha Braginskaya, wasn't it? She's talking about Katyusha.

_Yes, that's right, people- Katyusha. And this story is starting to get out of control. But it's just the beginning. Who was it who got upset when her name wasn't placed in the Hot column? Katyusha. _

I clench my soda can tighter in my fist. Natalia might mention Katyusha now, but I thought they were friends. Actually I thought all three of them were friends- Natalia and Katyusha and Emil. But I am wrong again.

And I have been wrong about so many things these past hours.

_Katyusha, if you're listening, this next tape is yours._

The cassette stops. The Walkman quits, and I can hear the little hum that indicates the tape is over. I take out the first Cassette, containing Ivan and Emil's stories, and take Cassette Two out of my bag. I flip it over to the side marked 3. Katyusha's story.

I'm shaking now. I think of what Mathias would probably say- "Man up, Maple. Err, I mean, woman up. Whatever."- And put in the third story.

I keep walking, waiting to hear how Katyusha ruined Natalia's life, too. But where do I come in?


	4. Cassette 2: Side A

_After Katyusha saw the Who's Hot/ Who's Not list, she was mad. I don't know why._  
_Our past goes back a bit before that._

So explain, Natalia. Because I could have sworn you and Katyusha were friends. I remember once I was walking by Monet's, this coffee place, and I saw them. Emil, Natalia and Katyusha, all sitting at a table, talking. So what happened?

_Okay, so there are two guidance counselors, as I'm sure you all know. One for students with last names A-M then N-Z.  
_  
We all know. Except the guidance counselor for last names A-M, my counselor, left halfway through the year- before Natalia died- only to be replaced by a student who had volunteered for the position, saying it would look good on college apps. All I know is that students with last names A-M don't stop by there much anymore. Because even though this student, who might come up later, is sworn to secrecy on any student issues, anyone and everyone knows if he wanted to he could say everything.

_About a week before school started, I got a call from our old counselor, Ms. B, asking me to stop by. You guys remember Ms. B, right? I know she moved away halfway through the year, replaced by a student. Anyways, she called. A new-student orientation, that's what she said it was. Had I known what it was really about, I wouldn't have gone.  
_  
It was that bad, then?

_I got there, and the only people there were Ms. B and a girl I didn't know._

"Sit down, Natalia," Ms. B said, smiling. I sighed. Then Ms. B explained she knew this girl and I were both new, and she was trying to make us 'buddies'.

Fine. Whatever. The girl- who was, coincidentally, Katyusha- and I disagreed, though. I remember our conversation.

"Look, Ms. B," Katyusha said, "I'm sure Natasha is a great person, but I'm not sure about this."

That kind of made me smile. "Natalia," I had said. "My name is Natalia."

"Oh." Katyusha, you stopped dead, looking nervous. "Oh. Did I call you Natasha? I'm sorry."

I laughed. "I just think you should know, if we're going to become BFFs." And you laughed at that, and so did I. Then we left.  
  
So were they friends? I'm confused now. Drinking my Coke, I try to get a grip on things.  
_  
But we did start chatting. One day, we decided to meet at Monet's- that's B-7 on your map- a cafe and coffeehouse. We both ordered hot chocolate.  
_  
Natalia loved hot chocolate. So do I. But I don't think I'll be able to drink it again, not without thinking of her.

_And then we saw a boy checking us out. So we decided to confront him.  
_  
Oh, great.  
_  
We walked over to him, leaving our hot chocolates with little marshmallows still bobbing on the top._

"Hey," Katyusha said. "We saw you looking at us. So who were you checking out?"

The guy looked so embarrassed. "No one," he stammered. "I wasn't looking, honest."

"You were," I replied. "We're both new here, so who is it?"

The guy looked horrified. "No- you see- I- I'm new here, too."  
  
That must have been embarrassing.  
_  
Katyusha and I both said something along the lines of "Oh."_

It was our turn to be embarrassed, and trust me, we were.

We got to know that guy better, and found out he would be going to our school.

His name is Emil Steilsson.  
  
I feel my heart skip a beat. Emil. The one who ranked her Best Ass in the Freshman Class, her supposed-to-be friend. Everyone seems connected. I get up, deciding to head to Monet's. Perfect.

_Anyways, it made any nervousness I had about the first day of school disappear. I had two friends to sit with at lunch, to talk to. I wasn't alone._

Silly me. The truth is- which I didn't know at the time- I have always been in this alone.  
  
What happened, then, with Katyusha and Emil?

_You know the Scribble Books at Monet's?  
_  
Oh yeah. They are these blank sketchbooks- one for each year- and you can take them and write, or draw, or rant. It's a collection of people's thoughts or whatever.

_Well, if you decided to go to Monet's, we signed a page. Anyways, we started going to Monet's a lot. Whenever something happened, we'd go there, and sit in the table in the corner. Whoever thought they had the worst day would say, "Olly-Olly-oxen-free." Cheesy, yes. But okay. And we would all sit around, Katyusha and I drinking hot chocolate, Emil working his way through the menu, talking about our day.  
_  
By this time I'm at Monet's. I sit down at the table they used to sit at. And when the woman comes by and asks me what I want, I reply with, "Hot chocolate."

_We dropped away, one by one. First Emil left. He stopped coming, and without him, Katyusha and I really only made small talk. Then, slowly, Katyusha distanced herself from Monet's. I would still go there, clinging onto non-existant hope, maybe expecting to see Emil or Katyusha in our back table, sipping hot chocolate or eating the white macademia nut cookies- which, by the way, were Emil's favorites- but no. Neither of them ever stopped by, so I stopped going, too.  
_  
_Then, rumors started. Something was going on between Emil and I. One day, Katyusha bumped into me in the halls. I thought maybe it was an accident, so I started to apologize, but she turned her head and hissed, "We need to talk, Natalia." Then she left. I knew she meant Monet's. She wanted me to go to Monet's. So I did._

Uh-oh. What on earth did Katyusha have to be angry about? The woman comes back with a mug of hot chocolate, steaming, little marshmallows and all. I drink it slowly. It's delicious, but it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters right now except for the thirteen tapes- and ten left- in my bag. Nothing.

_When I got there, Katyusha was slouched down in a chair, back at our old table. She looked like she had been waiting a while. Maybe she had. I sat down, and Katyusha pulled something out of her bag. A crumpled up piece of paper._

I'm starting to understand. Emil was the one who made the Who's Hot/ Who's Not list. He put Katyusha's name opposite to Natalia's. He chose Natalia.

_"Look," she said. And it was the list Emil wrote. "Katysha, that's silly," I remember saying nervously. "Don't worry. It's not serious, just a joke, you know."_

And she said, "No! Natalia! Emil picked you... I have heard the rumors about you..."

"You couldn't have," I whispered. "You don't hear them. You might think you do. But you don't."

Katyusha just sat there, looking like she was about to cry. "Katyusha," I mumbled, "it's just a silly list. Emil just did it to make you feel bad. He didn't pick me. He just knew it would"- But I didn't get to finish, because out of nowhere, whack! Katyusha stood up and threw her hand in my face.

I concentrate on the tapes, the hot chocolate mug warming my hand. If Natalia's saying Katyusha got her in the face, maybe that's where that scar came from. The little, tiny one right above her eyebrow. I remember noticing it once at a party, before she was gone. I asked her about it, if she was okay, and she started freaking out.

_Did any of you notice that little scar I had on my forehead? That was from Katyusha. I don't know if she was trying to hit me, or scratch me, or what, but she got me with her nail. Then she got up, grabbed her bag, and said, "Goodbye, Natalia." Then you left. Just like that._

That little scar was more than a scratch. It was a punch in the stomach, a slap in the face, a knife in the back. The fact that Katyusha would choose to believe a made-up rumor about me, one that she knew wasn't true, rather than hear me out, made me sick to my stomach.

Katyusha, Katyusha, sweetie. I need to know one thing. Did you drag your sorry ass to my funeral? Did you see the little scar you left from Monet's?

I'm sorry, Natalia, but that's not possible.

_Katyusha, your story ends here. But I have a question. The rest of you? Did any of you come to my funeral? Did you see the scars you left behind? No. Most likely not. _

That's not possible, because there was no funeral.


	5. Cassette 2: Side B

I open the Walkman and flip the tape open. I press Play.

Nothing happens. I hit stop, then Play again. Still nothing. I wait. And wait. Until...

_Shhh! Please be quiet! Okay, sorry for that, but I've got some news for you all! Twelve of you will be relieved, but one of you will be absolutely mortified! _

Oh, no. Oh God.

_While most of you guys came off as liars, or jerks, or upset people taking your anger out on others... But this story, this one is a little creepy. Shhh!_

I hope it's not me. I didn't do anything 'creepy' to Natalia. I didn't do _anything _to Natalia.

_You'd better be quiet, if you there's a Peeping Tom._

I sigh in relief. Not me.

_That's right, Alfred. Alfred Jones. The Peeping Tom. Natalia Arlovskaya's creeper. That's you, isn't it, Alfred? First, guess where I am. Do you know?_

I don't. I really don't know where she was when she taped this. Unless... Unless...

_If you said, "Outside Alfred's Window," you'd be correct! Hang on. Okay. He has one of those small streets, neighbors with their lights on, tree branches arching high over the street, almost touching. Sounds poetic. I could write a poem about it._

But that's a different tape, later on.

I didn't know Natalia was into poetry. Whatever. Now, about this business with Alfred being a Peeping Tom... wow.

_Let's see now. Alfred isn't home at the moment. Something for the Student Council, or yearbook, maybe. You're the photographer, aren't you? I'm looking into your window. You have lots of cameras- quite a few. Perfect... for... any... time... of... the... day._

Natalia's scaring me now. I order coffee this time, and the waitress takes my empty hot chocolate mug. She hands me a cup, indicating the Self-Serve. I fill it with Caffe Latte and half-and-half and put in a lot of sugar. Mathias is always teasing me about this, saying some day I'll eat so much sugar and get so hyper my heart won't be able to keep up and I'll get a heart attack. I'd like to point out that's not how it works, but usually I'm laughing too hard when he says it.

I don't feel like laughing now.

_Especially at night. From outside a window. Right?_

I slam the coffee, hoping that the sugar will catch up soon. I'm going to need it.

_Sssshhh! Oh my God! I think that's him... Yeah. Alfred, you're pulling in the driveway. Please don't see me. One second._

She pauses, and I hear rustling leaves. I figure she's probably moving around- I'm guessing she's hiding in a bush- to get a better view.

_Alfred just went in. Now, you're going in your bedroom... you're pulling off your socks... nothing weird, right?_

Alfred is such an idiot. It's his room, he can do what he wants, but I'm hoping he won't embarrass himself any further. Poor Alfred.

_Now what? Don't worry, Alfred. Calm down. I'm not even looking inside anymore. I'm facing the other way. Let me explain how Alfred has played a part in this, besides being a Peeping Tom. Because that alone should be enough, shouldn't it?_

First, most of you are probably wondering if I always sleep with my blinds open. Before you blame me, I have a pretty good defense.

No one's blaming you. Why would we? I bitterly sip what's left of my coffee, reaching for more sugar. Why would we blame her? Maybe for all that she's doing now. But not for keeping her blinds open. Alfred is the one to blame.

We're all to blame.

_I liked to watch the stars and the clouds. On rainy nights, I liked to watch the rain fall. It was soothing. Even stormy nights had something- the lightning was very beautiful. Was. I'm not just saying that because I'm dead, but Alfred ruined it for me. Sorry. I'm getting a little rude and off track._

The first time I heard the click, I dismissed it. It must have been my bed, right? I had a wooden frame. Sometimes it would creak. Still, I undressed under my covers, too scared to reach for the phone. I was home alone.

Waiting. I waited for a while. Click. I heard it again. I was scared.

Aren't we all?

_The next day, when I sat down, I knew I needed to say something. To whom? I didn't have many friends, and Katyusha was out of the picture by this time. But the girl in front of me was known to be trustworthy, sympathetic, and understanding._

You'll find out who it is later. For now, we're talking about Alfred.

So I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I think I have a Peeping Tom."

She looked surprised. "Oh? A real one?"

"I think so."

"Then," she said, "You'll have to tell me about it. I mean, I don't know, but having a Peeping Tom seems kind of... kind of hot, if you know what I mean?"

What the hell? What kind of twisted person even says that? Who is this girl? I stand up and get an espresso. The caffeine is taking too long to kick in.

_So I asked her if she would like to come over and help me catch a Peeping Tom. She parked her car right in plain sight as bait. Surely Alfred would come?_

We did our homework, waiting for it to get dark. While the sun sat, we sat on my bed, making up random gossip. Until... Click. Her eyes widened, and she looked shocked.  
"Pretend like you didn't notice," she whispered. Then she smiled. "I could use a back massage."

"O-Okay," I said. She smiled. "Natalia," she whispered. "On the count of three, open the windows."

"Fine." So I started massaging her back. After a while, the girl nodded, eyes still closed. "Back to day ONE, isn't it?" She asked. I caught on.

"I still can't believe that was number TWO."

Very sneaky, Natalia and whoever that is.

_"What do you say to..."_

"Three!" I jumped up and pulled the blind up. "Oh my freaking God!" Screamed the girl. I was looking for a face, but Alfred, you moved so fast. I caught the color of your hair, but that was all. The next day, the girl and I asked everyone who fit the hair color and gender where they were last night. Some said the movies, or at home or a friend's house. Some glared at us, said 'none of your business.'

But Alfred's reply was most interesting. "Me? Uh... Nowhere."

Nowhere? What an idiot. He should have lied, said he was at his friend's house. He has plenty of friends. Plenty of excuse choices. Home. Movies. Babysitting. And he chooses nowhere?

_You gave yourself away, Alfred. Hey, at least you never came back. But I felt haunted. Alfred, I don't blame you entirely. Plenty of other people took things away from me- Ivan, Emil, Katyusha. My reputation. My friendship. But only you, Alfred, took away my privacy. My security. In my own home!  
So..._

Natalia draws a long breath, trying to calm herself. I am staring at my coffee cup, my trembling hand. People must be worried about me now. They must be looking, wondering why I look upset. Or maybe they're not. Plenty of people saw Natalia on that last day. Nobody wondered.

_Who was this girl in my story, who helped me bust Alfred? Want to know? Tape Three. The next story. Alfred, I notice that your bedroom light is off._

I hear her tap on the window twice.

_Knock-knock, Alfred._

The tape is over. I need a break. Just a short one. Monet's is half empty, but there are still enough people that the chatter is at a low hum. I stand up, leaving the Walkman, tapes and my bag, knowing I'll return in a second.

I spot a shelf containing a row of books, each with duct tape on the spine.

Scribble Books. Monet's very own collection of people that stop by. I find the right year, and look for the page Natalia said she signed. After shuffling around for a while, I find a small sentence, marked in red ink.

_Everyone needs an olly olly oxen free! K.B. E.S. N.A. _Katyusha Braginskaya. Emil Steilsson. Natalia Arlovskaya.

I stare at the page until I begin to feel sick. Then I notice the little photo tucked in the corner of the page.

It was taken at a party. Natalia, with her arm around another girl, smiling.

I am absolutely positive this is the girl Natalia was talking about in the last tape, the girl that helped her catch Alfred.

Natalia is smiling, but the other girl is not. She is not frowning, though. She doesn't look mad, either.

I think she looks nervous.


	6. Cassette 3: Side A

_Elizabeta Héderváry is just so perfect, right? Pretty hair. Beautiful eyes. Perfect skin. She's just so sweet, isn't she?  
_  
_She's not._

Elizabeta is the one in the picture. The one with Natalia. She looks nervous. She must have known this was coming. She should have done something. But I don't get it. What could Elizabeta do? She is so sweet. Not annoying-sweet. But genuinely sweet. At least, that's what I think. But I'm almost positive my opinion is going to change soon.

_Elizabeta had two choices. She could have become popular, with all the friends and boyfriends and parties she wanted. Instead, she took the sweet way, so everyone would consider her kind and no one would hate her._

Let me be clear. I do not hate Elizabeta. Nor do I dislike her. But for a while, stupid old me thought we were becoming friends. Elizabeta, I present to you: Reason Number Five.

I never saw them hang out. Not once. At least I saw Natalia chatting with Katyusha occasionally, but never Little Miss Elizabeta.

_However, if you ask Alfred, I don't think he'll let you see those pictures of me giving Elizabeta a massage._

So I was right! It was Elizabeta!

_When I got to school the day after Elizabeta and I caught Alfred, I tapped her shoulder. She looked at me, and we both cracked up, random little sentences._

"What the hell?"

"So funny."

"I know!"

"Can you imagine?"

Then class started, and she turned around. When class ended, she left. She forgot to say good-bye. Maybe I'm being a little oversensitive, but I thought after all that, she would at least remember me.

I stand up and pay. I am tired of being at Monet's. I notice a bus pulling up, so I grab my bag and run to it, managing to slide on. Everyone is either staring out the window or sleeping. I sit down in an empty row, near the window, and continue with Elizabeta's tape.

_In fact, it turns out, Elizabeta was just using me. She wasn't trying to be mean, but she didn't consider me a friend. Just another check mark under People Who Think Elizabeta Héderváry Is An Amazing Girl. Another vote for Most Liked in the yearbook._

I didn't want to believe it. I was hoping maybe I was wrong. I was hoping you were more than that, Elizabeta.

How many times have I seen Elizabeta giggling in the halls, surrounded by friends- girls and guys alike- by her locker? It never really bothered me, because I thought Elizabeta was a nice person, not a snob, but after this tape is over, I'm betting her reputation will be ruined.

Everything she worked so hard for will be lost. At least for us.

_Then, one day, it was the night of a party. There will be larger party- a more important one- later in the tapes, but this one was also necessary to tell the story completely. So the day of the party, Elizabeta asked me if she would like to go with me._

To which I said, "Why?"

She looked shocked. Everyone wants to go to a party with Elizabeta! Just the status boost of being seen walking in there with you would be worth it. But... no.

"Why? Natalia, so we can hang out!" She said.

I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe it so badly. That I wasn't just a charity cause. Maybe, like you said, maybe you actually wanted to hang out with me.

"Maple. Whatchya listening to?" I jump, pressing the pause button. I turn to see Matthew Williams. My old eighth-grade crush. But years have passed, and he's grown more distant, not wanting to be included in anything. I almost forgot he existed.

"Nothing," I say, waiting for my heart to return to normal. He's happy, I know, that he scared the shit out of me.

"Hmm. Well, this is my stop. See you tomorrow." He gives a quick flick of his hand, still looking pleased he startled me, and exits the bus.

_But my expectations were far too high. As soon as I agreed to go, Elizabeta said, "Great! Can you drive?" My heart fell a bit. You were only interested in the fact I could get you, to the party. I shrugged it off, though, still wanting to prove myself wrong, and said, "Sure. I'll pick you up at eight." You smiled, said that was good, and left.  
But guess what, Elizabeta?_

You forgot to say goodbye.

I pause the tape, watching the door that Matthew just left. I stand up and walk out. D-4 is Alfred's house. And believe me, it's not far from here. I get out. I have to walk a little bit, but it's not much of a problem. It really is dark now, all the stars shining.

I finally reach Alfred's house. I notice one of the windows and stop dead. There's a long crack down it, the upper right corner held together with shiny silver duct tape.

"Wow," I mutter.

"Maple!" I jump and whirl around, prepared to hit someone.

"Calm down, it's just me!" I look up to see Gilbert Beilschmidt, someone from school.

"Gilbert, what are you doing here?" I ask, leaning forward.

He holds something out to me. "Take it," he says in his German accent. "You'll feel a lot better, trust me."

He has a rock. A medium sized-stone. I suddenly get it and turn back to Alfred's window. The rock would easily break the remaining glass, nevermind the tape.

"...You want me to throw that at his window?" I wonder out loud.

"Alfred deserves it," Gilbert sneers. "He's a creep. He was watching Natalia."

I look up. "Are you- are you on the tapes?"

Gilbert doesn't say anything, but his eyes give away everything.

"Why?"

"Which tape are you on, Maple?"

"I- I- Elizabeta's."

He nods knowingly. "Then you'll know why soon enough." He drops his voice to a whisper. "It's silly. I shouldn't be on there. Natalia just wanted excuses."

"Excuses?"

"To comit suicide. "

"But... but... You're an ass, Gilbert," I spit out. He looks slightly amused. "Maple, don't forget, you're not in any place to point fingers. You're on those tapes too."

The sick feeling comes back to my stomach. "I know. Goodbye." I turn and walk the other way. I need to get off of this street. I keep walking away, but I can feel Gilbert's eyes watching me until I turn the block. I resume the tape.

_So the night of the party, I picked up Elizabeta. No big deal. So I thought._

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "This will be so much fun, Natalia. We're going to be great friends!"

That confused me a little. I thought we were already friends? Oh, wait. Maybe not.

The closest parking spot we could get was two blocks from the party. When I stopped my car, my radio kept playing. I was confused, and so was Elizabeta, until her eyes lit up.

"I think that music is coming from the party!"

We were two blocks away. Wow.

That's why I don't go to parties. I just don't find it much fun having to scream at someone who's right next to you because the music is so loud, and having people wretching into the bathrooms as soon as they drink one too many drinks. I think I'll pass.

_As soon as we got there, Elizabeta said, "Let's split up."_

I thought, that didn't take long. But I lied and said I had some friends I wanted to catch up with. She nodded and walked off. I knew she had only brought me as a ride.  
"Natalia!" I heard someone yelling. Alfred.

Oh my God. Maybe I should have thrown that rock. But I can't go back to Gilbert. Not now, not just to throw a rock at Alfred's window. To invade Alfred's privacy to get back for him stealing Natalia's.

_"Hey, there," he panted, breathless from running over. I nodded. "Hey."_

"Want to hang out sometime?" Alfred asked. I was on guard. "Why?"

"Well... Elizabeta said something," he admitted.

Oh, Eliza, it's all coming back to you, isn't it?

"What?" I demanded. "What did she say?"

"She... she said you had a couple of surprises hidden in your room."

I gasp. Elizabeta made that up! I've been over to Natalia's a few times. Especially when she just moved here, back when she lived in her old house, we would go over and hang out. Never, ever, never. No. Elizabeta is a liar.

_Tears pricked my eyes, but I managed to talk. "She said that?"_

"Calm down. It's not a big deal. I think she was just kidding," Alfred said.

"Did she just tell you?" I ask. Because Alfred was right- it wasn't a big deal. Unless she had told more than one person.

Alfred waved over to Elizabeta, surrounded by laughing friends. "No," he said.

"Can you take a picture of us?" I asked. Alfred looked shocked. "Yeah, I guess..."

"Elizabeta!" I yelled, and grabbed her hand. "We're getting our picture taken."

You protested a little, until I said, "Elizabeta. We're friends, _right?"_

And that's the picture that I put in the Scribble Book.

Ohhh...

_Then I left. I told Elizabeta to get a ride with someone else. I ended up taking Alfred to his house, dropping him off, and took the longest way possible home. I needed time to think. I discovered new roads, neighborhoods, streets. Places I didn't know.  
By the time I got home, I had reached a conclusion.  
I am damn sick of this town._

Yes, Natalia. I'm starting to be, too.


	7. Cassette 3: Side B

A/N- I am so so sorry about how late this is! I meant to put it up _weeks _ago, but... anyways, I'm sorry! Waaah! And this is a long-ish chapter to make up for it.

_Oh My Dollar Valentines! Remember those, hmm? So fun! Just fill out a survey, have a computer analyze it and cross-reference it with the other surveys, and for only a dollar you can get the name of your one true soulmate! Or for five dollars, you can get your top five._

Oh, those were fun. See, the survey was too parts. You fill out one side for yourself- height, looks, hobbies- and then you filled out what traits you'd want your 'soulmate' to have.

For the fun of things, I filled my survey out as Bella Swan from _Twilight _and Mathias did Edward Cullen. Mathias didn't end up on my list, and we had a good laugh over that.

_My whole life, I've been a sucker for surveys. They're just... so... so... well, I can't describe it._

Entertaining? Because that's how I'd describe it. I sit down, breathless. Home is only a few blocks away. Mathias, probably heating up dinner, then knocking himself with more cold medicine, even though he doesn't need it that badly anymore, the porch lights left on.

Mathias and I always leave the porch lights on, in case our parents decide to make a surprise visit in the middle of the night to swipe more cash and food. Home. And I don't know where on earth to go.

_Well, the day you could get your surveys back, I went into the attendant's office. Surprisingly, it was empty, except for a cheerleader behind the counter who was working the Oh My Dollar Valentines for that day._

_I'll mention her name later, so don't worry. "Hey, Natalia!" She said... cheerfully. "Are you here to pick up your top matches?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"One or five?"_

_I pushed a five dollar bill over the counter. She smiled, started typing, and then a list slid out of the printer. I grabbed it._

_"Who'd you get?" The cheerleader asked. We read over it, pointing out the names we thought were good and those we thought were not._

_"The list isn't that bad," the cheerleader said. I agreed. "But it's not excellent either."_

_She called my list a shrugger. "Well, he seems okay," I said, pointing a name. "He's cute."_

_The cheerleader's smile disappeared. "On the outside."_

Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. But if she isn't mentioning the cheerleader's name, who's tape is this?

_My phone rang. I answered it. "You made my list, but I didn't make yours," the caller said._

_"Would you go out with me?"_

_I looked at the cheerleader. "Depends. Who is this?" But then I saw you standing outside the attendant's office window._

_Gilbert Beilschmidt._

Gilbert! Gilbert, who I just spoke to after I got of the bus! I should have taken that rock from him and hit him with it.

_"Well, then, let's go out," I said. I was half-joking, but Gilbert sounded surprised, and said, "Oh, okay. How about... how about Romano's?"_

_Can I tell you guys something? Before I met Gilbert there, I had never been to Romano's. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the place to be. But whenever someone asked me to come with them, it was always an excuse- babysitting. Relatives visiting. Too much homework._

_"Romano's?" I asked, somewhat surprised._

_"For ice cream," Gilbert said quickly. I shrugged. "Sure, see you there."_

_Now think about yourself. You might have been to Romano's, right? But you've never been there... alone._

Actually Natalia is right. I've been to Romano's many times- Mathias is pretty popular in his grade and normally he ends up dragging me along- but I've never been there by myself. One summer, Natalia and I both worked at a movie theater, and I invited her to come hang out with me and some friends at Romano's after work, but she said her cousins were coming from Belarus.

_If you'd like to go to Romano's, it's E-5 on the map. If you go, I'll tell you what to do, but first, a little background on Romano's. If you didn't know this, it's been there a while. Lovino Vargas recently took over as manager. He's very young- apparently he just graduated high school two years ago and didn't go to college to take over the diner._

He doesn't give a half crap about the place. I mean, yeah, he makes sure food gets to you on time and the tables and booths are clean, but the reputation? He couldn't care less.

_We all know Romano's has a reputation. And not a good one. A... mysterious one. Maybe that's why Natalia never went there. I start walking towards Romano's. My first time going alone._

_After that little event, Gilbert walked away, heading back to class._

"_Oh, my God!" The cheerleader gushed. "You've got to let me brag about this."_

_"We'll see," I said, smiling._

Now I'm pretty sure I know who the cheerleader is. Mei Xiao. We're biology partners. We were working on labeling the anatomy of some creature for an upcoming dissection. I had already heard about Natalia. Mei hadn't. When she did, she froze. She stood up and left, not even bothering to get a pass. I didn't understand.

I think I do now.

_At first, I didn't tell the cheerleader what happened about Lovino's, what you are all about to hear. Just keep in mind, this cheerleader shows up later. With a name, naturally. And a tape. Scared?_

At least these people see it coming. My name could be next, for all I know. When Mei left the room, worksheet unfinished, books and bag on the table and chair, my eyes had blurred when I watched her leave. I had wiped away the tears. When Lukas Bondevik put his head down on his desk and closed his eyes, and later I heard he broke down in the bathroom, it made me cry, too. When Mathias stopped halfway through his beer and went to hide his room, I went to mine and cried. Whenever I saw someone's reaction to Natalia's death, I wanted to- or did- cry.

But I don't have it left in me anymore.

_Well, head to Lovino's, if you'd like. Need recommendations? Well, the milkshakes are always welcome, and if you're hungry, a burger and some fries. You can't go wrong there._

My phone starts ringing again. It's Mathias.

"Maple, it's kind of late. You don't need to come home or anything. Do you- Uh."

"I'm fine," I say, words catching my throat. "I- I- I'm still working on the project. Just a little longer." I pause, then say, "I'm going to Romano's."

_"Romano's_?" Mathias repeats, and I can hear the sarcasm in his voice, the disbelief. "You nevere go there unless I drag you at gunpoint."

"Ah, well, I got a sudden craving." I kick a pebble. I can see Romano's across the street. I just need to go down the crosswalk. I hit the button.

"You left some of these cassette tapes at home."

"Oh." I have a small panic attack. What if he listens to them? What if it's my tape, and he hears how I took part it Natalia's death? He knew Natalia. He is a grade above, but they said hey and stuff.

"I'll bring them to you, okay?" Mathias hangs up. He sounded concerned.

Maybe he knows how badly this is going. I resume the tape.

_When I got to Romano's, I sat down in a booth. I waited. And waited. And Gilbert didn't show up. I figured, oh, give him a little time. He'll be here eventually. Right?_

I walk across the street into Romano's, sitting down, and order a milkshake for Natalia, just like she said.

_And oh, I was right._

_As soon as he showed up half an hour late, he apologized about five times, and kept saying, "Es tut mir leid". He thought I was joking about the date. I didn't hold it against him- I mean, I wouldn't take myself seriously, either. But he came. Partly because of my reputation. Ivan!_

_We laughed for a good while. Yeah, he came with some friends, but they were sitting at the opposite side of the diner, away from us. I laughed and laughed until my stomach hurt, begging you to stop. But you didn't._

_Your hand touched my knee._

Oh shit.

_I stopped laughing and froze. "Why... what are you doing?" I whispered. He kind of laughed. "Do you want me to move it?"_

I suddenly feel uncomfortable and stir my milkshake with my straw. I turn around and see the very booth Natalia was sitting at. Three students are there now, freshman I think, eating fries with books and papers strewn across the table.

_"Stop it," I said. "Stop it. Now." But you didn't stop, Gilbert. So I- I shoved you. Hard. Out of the booth. You fell onto the ground, people staring at you._

_Some people might have laughed. But they knew something was happening. My eyes had been begging for help, but everyone turned away._

_You left. Everyone else, don't worry. He didn't make a scene. No, you didn't storm out, Gilbert. You just called me a tease and left._

Her voice lowers to a whisper.

_So... now. I've been thinking. About my first kiss, my two 'friends,' everything. Elizabeta and Alfred. Romano's. And I wonder._

_Will life ever go where I want it to go?_

This tape stops. She's finished with Gilbert's story.

I wish she had talked to me. I would have listened. We were friends. I thought. I am listening to her now.

I am listening to someone who I thought I knew. I thought we were friends. I was her first friend when she moved here, we shared a job at the movie theater.

I am listening. But I'm too late.


	8. Cassette 4: Side A

"Hey."

I swivel around to see Mathias, and I have to bite my lip to keep myself from crying. That would not be a good thing. He hands me the rest of the tapes.

"Did you listen to them?" I ask, feeling a sudden terror overtaking me. Like stomach butterflies on steroids.

"No," Mathias says. "Are you okay? You look really nervous, or something." He throws a quick glance at the menu, and I think about asking him to stay. I could take a quick break from Natalia's tapes. And it would be nice just to not think, laugh with Mathias, to not wonder about what's going to happen tomorrow.

Or what will happen when I reach my tape.

"I'm fine," I say, somewhat convincingly. "Why don't you stay?"

"Oh I don't know," Mathias says, waving a hand slightly. He looks back down at his hands. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, and"-

"Maple?"

Mathias and I freeze as someone calls my name. As soon as I spot the golden hair, green eyes and bushy eyebrows, I relax a bit. "Arthur. Hey."

"I should go." Mathias stands up and looks at me one more time. "Are you sure you're alright."

"I- Yeah, I'm fine," I say, and in that second, I almost said everything about Natalia and her death and Ivan and Emil and Katyusha and Alfred and everyone else, I could sit here rambling all night, when I realize there's really only one question I'm dying to ask- _Don't you miss her, too?_

Mathias nods again and walks out the door, leaving the tapes on the counter beside me. Arthur tilts his head a bit. "Is that my Walkman?"

Panic fills my head, and the only thing I can think is, _he knows, he knows. _But I'm being silly, and I force myself to speak. "Oh, yeah. I think I asked if I could borrow it? Earlier today, when I came over? I saw it in your car."

"Oh." He nods. "That's fine. Keep it as long as you need it." He walks to the other end of the diner and sits down, looking over the menu. I sigh in relief and rummage around through the rest of the tapes Mathias brought. Ahh... Cassette four.

_Peer Communications. Remember the class? It was required, but I'm guessing pretty much everyone would take it even if they didn't have to, because it was such an easy A._

_And in that class, you could call out, and you could discuss things you couldn't in other classes. Touchy subjects. Things like abortion, or domestic violence. But guess what the one thing we couldn't talk about was?_

_Suicide. Did you guess correctly? Need a definition? Hang on... Ah. A person who intentionally takes his or her life. Me. Great._

I flinch at the mention of suicide. Natalia wasn't in my Peer Communications class. Instead, I got the class where everyone would giggle as soon as the word pregnancy came up, which was extremely annoying. Several times the teacher would have to put a finger to her lips, roll her eyes, and tell us to be adults. After all, we are high schoolers.

_See, the great thing about that class was it was a safe haven. For one class a day, you couldn't touch me or laugh about me no matter what the latest Natalia Arlovskaya rumor was._

_A lot of the other teachers didn't like Peer Communications. Why? Well. Peer Communications, you could talk about anything. Being bullied. Drugs. Relationships. Eating disorders. The other teachers didn't like that, because they wanted to teach us plain facts. Equations, x to pi._

_And yes, that helps you fill out a college app._

_But does it help you fill out your life? No._

I happen to glance backwards at Arthur. He's looking at something on his phone, eating fries, a milkshake pushed to one side of his booth.

_Now, we all know of the bags in Peer Communications, right? For those of you that don't- picture those wire racks in bookstores that hold paperbacks, the kind that spins until you find what you're looking for, and you could sit there and spin it all day, and it wouldn't stop._

_In Peer Communications, there was a rack like that, except that it held brown paper bags. Each student could design his or her bag with their name, glitter, markers, whatever. Then you hung it up._

_If you wanted to compliment someone on, say, their decision to try out for the school play, drop them an anonymous note. Were you happy for so-and-so over their A on the History test they had been worried about? Note. Slip everyone notes._

_Yes, it would be better to say something like that to someone's face, but if you don't have the courage or just don't know them that well, leave a note. They'll still get it, and smile, hopefully. As far as I know, as far as we all know, nothing mean or sarcastic was ever left in someone's bag._

_We didn't do that. But something happened to me that was just as bad. Maybe even worse. So, Yao Wang. Care to explain?_

Yao Wang. Fan-freaking-tastic. He's woven himself into many of Natalia's stories. Remember in the first tape, when Natalia was talking about seeing Ivan for the first time? Wang was with him.

_Yao, trust me. I know you never left anything mean in my bag. But what you did, was almost worse. Let's go back a couple of weeks. To Gilbert. In Romano's._

I slam my eyes shut, rubbing my forehead with my left hand, my right hand clutching my half-empty milkshake glass. I focus on the cold of the glass, the condensation starting to run down my hand.

And now I really do understand.

Everything is connected, just as Natalia said. Her snowball theory is absolutely correct.

_After Gilbert left, without making a scene, Yao sat down. I tried to ignore him. Not that I had anything against him at that time, but I was too focused on what had just happened with Gilbert, how disastrous the Oh My Dollar Valentine crap had been, and how that cheerleader would be disappointed._

I'm still waiting for Natalia to mention who the cheerleader's name was.

_I kept ignoring him for a while. Longer and longer the silence got, until Yao cleared his throat. I gave the tiniest nod of my head, so small he wouldn't have been able to catch it unless he was really really really looking._

_Yao, I give you credit. You asked me if I was okay. I didn't say anything. After a while, you left ten dollars on the table for the food I had just had. You apologized about Gilbert, got up, and went back to your friends._

_We all know that's not why you're on this tape, though._

Why is he? I actually hadn't thought of Yao much. I mean, Ivan spoke of him sometimes when we would hang out. Ivan and I were pretty good friends back in middle school, before Natalia showed up. I sigh deeply.

_I get you were trying to help, Yao. And for that, I sincerely thank you. Seriously. Thank you so much. But... But! When you acknowledge a person _can't _be saved, why would you throw that back in my face? You stole all my notes from my bag in Peer Communications._

_You took the little hope those notes gave me. And I never got it._

_And... And I _saw _you take them. And I caught up to you in the hall, and I started crying, and I yelled at you. So for all of you that heard about the Great Natalia Meltdown, that's the real reason for it._

For that I have no response. Why would Yao do something like that? Why?

_So I dropped my own note into the teacher's bag. And geez, it took me a while to actually have the strength to do it._

_Here is what the note said. "Suicide. It's something I've been thinking about. Not too seriously, but I have been thinking about it."_

Hmm. Natalia mentioned earlier that she couldn't talk about suicide in Peer Communications. What did that mean, exactly?

_So, our teacher mentioned suicide the next day in class, and had flyers. And she asked the class their opinion of the note._

_Boy, did I get it!_

_Lots of people were arguing, until one girl said, "It's like whoever wrote that note just wants attention. I mean, if they were serious, they would have signed their name."_

Oh my God. Natalia could never say something, she could never admit it was her, not with people like that in her class. And now I realize I really did get a good Peer Communications class, compared to Natalia.

_And there you have it. Did any of you see signs? Before I... before I did it? Did any of you see those little signs that gave hints? Or did you not care enough?_

She laughs a little, and I can almost see her smile. And it hits me, how much I miss her. We were friends, right?

_I don't think you cared enough. Any of you. But I don't hold it against you._

Yao's tape is over. I can't believe what he did, stealing Natalia's notes like that. I turn to Arthur. His burger his gone, and half of his milkshake. He is so lucky he does not have to go through this.

I flip the cassette over and hit Play, ready for the next story.


	9. Cassette 4: Side B

_We all have thoughts going through our heads that we don't know about- more specifically, we don't know what they mean, or why we think them._

I don't know why Natalia thought it was a good idea to leave these tapes and dump them on us.

_See, if you ever want to go untangle those thoughts... fact from fiction, your own opinions and hate versus the truth, try poetry._

Poetry? I think she mentioned this earlier! So that means this isn't my tape either. But it's the eighth tape, which means that there are only five left. So my name should come up soon.

_Fine, fine, I can pretty much hear all of you groaning. Poetry? Am I joking? I bet most of you are just joyous that poetry unit in Language Arts is over. But the person who got me into poetry told me to see poetry like a puzzle._

_Were the curtains blue to symbolize the author's deep depression, or maybe sorrow? Or were the curtains blue just because the curtains were blue? See, it's your choice to interpret how you want to._

Hah. Poetry. Please. On the poetry unit, I got a C on our final poem, because apparently my poem was "weak and simple."

_Look. This story is kind of a painful one. I mean, they all were, but this one broke my trust. Again. And the more it's broken, the more it hurts each time. Wait. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?_

The door rattles, and Arthur exits Romano's, unaware of my emotional state, humming quietly to himself. And in that second, I really hate him. How he doesn't have to go through any of this. If what Natalia says is true, and I am on here for some reason, I guess I deserve it, but I didn't think I did.

_I had this notebook I kept most of my poems in. _ _Many days something happened- embarassing, or funny- and not just to me, to anyone- I would ride my bike over to Monet's and write a poem. _

_Towards the... towards the end, I stopped writing in it. Not because I was sick of poetry._

_Because I was sick of life._

This is making _me _feel sick. "Could I get a glass of water?" I ask the man at the counter. He nods, and returns the next minute with a glass of tap water and ice cubes.

"Thank you."

I look out the window. The sky is black, as it has been for a couple of hours, but stars shine brightly. It isn't silent, because many people are still in Romano's, but I feel separated from everything.

A neon sign announces where the movie theater is. The theater where Natalia and I worked for that one summer.

She had been working there longer than I had, so she taught me all these tricks.

"If someone comes in and you have a crush on them," she'd say, smiling, "only put popcorn butter on the top half. That way, they'll come back in halfway through the movie asking for more."

_So whenever I was at Monet's, eventually I just tried writing happy poems. Happy, happy. Until I saw the flyer: free poetry classes at Monet's! Poetry: To Love Life, they called it. To help us better love ourselves. Sign me up!_

Oh, no.

_Since the poetry class started right as my last class ended, I'd usually have to race there, fifteen minutes late, but they didn't seem to mind at all._

_There was one slight problem. All the people there wanted to write about was death and destruction! The end of this world! The destruction of us!_

_So many times I wanted to ask, "So, when does the happy stuff come? You know, To Love Life? Because that's what the flyer said."_

See, that's why I'd never drag myself to a poetry group. Who wants to sit around trying to rhyme things with _death? _Oh, child of death, stuck doing meth. Get my point? Yeah, this is probably why I got that C on the poetry unit.

_Something did come out of the poetry group, though. Something good?_

No. Absolutely not.

_Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. Because it was definitely not good, but... Let me just explain. There was another student in the poetry group. The author of the Lost N' Found._

Toris. Toris Laurinaitis. The Lost N' Found is a section in the school newspaper. Toris will pick random stuff- photos he finds in the halls, love notes never sent, left on desks- and he'll print them out in the paper, blurring out names.

_Do you all know the poem Toris published in the Lost N' Found? The 'lost' poem? Wrong._

_That poem was mine. It wasn't lost, so therefore, it couldn't have been found. Especially not by him. No. I'm sure you all know it. It's so popular at our school._

If words could kill, Natalia would be spitting venom down on all of us.

_So the first two weeks, after the class ended, Toris and I sat on the library steps, laughing about the bitter old women, and we wrote happy poems. Poems about the subject... loving life. Trust me, at that point, I did want to live. I was still clinging on._

_Then, the third week, we handed each other our poetry notebooks. And reading over yours, Toris, I'm almost embarrassed by my poems._

_Yours were amazing. They sounded professional, and I'm sure someday those poems will be passages in a texbook. But what you did was very unprofessional. You... you scanned my poem into the Lost N' Found. You called it... "scary." And I... I didn't... Sorry. Hang on._

I can picture her crying, trying to stop, holding the recorder away from her face for a second to collect herself. She takes a deep breath.

_Sorry. Remember how we had to dissect the poem in class? Our teacher said reading a poem by an anonymous student was the same as reading one by a... a dead... a dead poet. God, I've got to stop crying. I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you guys. I'll try to stop._

_It wasn't so bad. People didn't seem to love the poem, but no one knew it was me. Until Toris told someone._

_Way to go, sweetie. You're a true poet._

Toris' story is over.

I remember. Some of the bratty girls had written parodies of the poem, reading them to Natalia every day in hopes of pissing her off.

They were so determined, they wrote a new one every day for a week and a half.

It must have been horrible- Natalia trusted Toris enough to hand over her poetry notebook, and Toris published it in the The Lost N' Found. What an idiot. And here I thought all he did was sit in the corner nervously, not wanting to get yelled at.

I move to pay for the milkshake, but the guy at the counter stops me.

"I'm not taking your money."

Slightly offended, I shake my head. "No, it's fine, I'll pay."

"I mean it." The man looks me in the eyes. "I don't know what it is, but I can tell something's happening. I'm not taking your money. I know I can't make a difference, but if I can make it at least a little easier..."

"Thank you. Thank you." I repeat myself and nod, slinging my bag back over my shoulder, and leave.


	10. Cassette 5: Side A

"Maple! Maple, hey!" I see Arthur leaning out of the window of his car, waving me over. I head over cautiously, slipping the Walkman into the palm of my hand, even though it's his. And I suppose, if he asked to see it, I'd have to give it to him.

"Hello, Arthur."

"Could you get in the car?"

"Hah?" I grab the strap of my messenger bag, eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Are you scared?" Arthur starts to laugh, then sighs. "Just, please. Listen to this song."

"Um, okay, I guess." I trust Arthur enough and I open the door to the front seat, sitting down. He turns on the radio, then his hand moves to the window. He locks my door.

"What the hell?" I demand. I'm not usually on edge, but trust me. It's been a long day. "Open the door! Open the door!" I'm crying by now.

"Maple." Arthur puts a hand on my shoulder. "Maple, I have the other set of Natalia's tapes."

"What?" I stop kicking and flailing. "She gave you the second set?"

"Yes." He points to a stack of cassette tapes in the backseat. "Those. She gave them to me, when she dropped her bike off."

"She did?" I ask. "The one she rode to school every day? Why would she give it..."

"A sign," Arthur says. "Giving away possessions. I asked her why she gave it to me. She said she had seen my car, and she said if it ever broke down, I'd need a backup..." He gives a shaky laugh. "Not a bad excuse. I still thought it was weird. "She also asked me if I had anything she could record tapes with. Using her voice."

"You gave them to her?" I exclaim. Nothing's making much sense now.

"I didn't know what she was going to do with them, Maple! Do you think I'd have given them to her if I had?"

"N-No. I'm sorry." I wipe the tears out of my eyes. "So why did you call me in here?"

"Listen to the next tape."

"I will, when I get home."

"No. Listen to it now."

"Why?"

"Maple, please."

"Tell me why, and I'll listen to it."

"Maple." Arthur sighs, looking pained. "The next tape is your tape."

Nothing. I sit there, stunned, then throw my head back, slamming into the headrest. "Why?" I whisper. "Why? Why? Why, why why?"

Arthur turns the Walkman on for me.

_Maple Køhler. Maple, Maple, Maple. You were the first friend I got to know when I moved here. I'm pretty sure you all know I had two houses when I lived in this town- the first house our family lived in when we moved here, then the second house we relocated to when we needed more space._

_Maple was my first friend, and I trusted her._

So why didn't you tell me anything?

_This tape is not her fault. I do not blame her._

Why do I have it?

_Really, this tape should be her brother's. But it's not. And Maple, I'm sorry._

My eyes fly open and I look over at Arthur. He's staring straight ahead, his gaze on the road. But his eyes are shiny, and I think he might be holding back tears.

_Maple, I must tell you a secret. I kissed your brother. And I thought, just maybe, I might have been in love with him. Oh, just imagine. Natalia and Mathias. I'd probably get a lot of shit for it. _

I didn't know they spoke. Why was Mathias so careless about Natalia's death? "Arthur"-

"Just keep listening."

_Have there ever been things in life that you never knew, and when someone finally told you, you'd notice every time and not be able to stop?_

_For example, Tino Väinämöinen begins all of his sentences with 'all right.'_

_All right, the equation..._

_All right, could I have a hall pass for the restroom?..._

_All right, Canada's government..._

_Or Kiku Honda. He always wears one black piece of clothing. Once, I found he wasn't, but then he took of his jacket during class and I saw he had a black shirt on._

_Once you notice these things, you can't stop._

Now every day I'll hear Tino say 'all right.' Every day, I'll find myself looking at Kiku Honda's clothes, and every day I'll think of Natalia and the tapes.

_Anyways, I kept hearing gossip about Mathias Køhler. I didn't understand, though. Everything everyone said about him- everything!- was good. _

My brother has his faults, but is a likable person, and in general, is popular.

_So whenever I heard his name in the halls, I would listen. And it was always good._

_But that's not fair to you, Maple. I know you're not overlooked at all. You've got your fair share of admirers. It just didn't seem right to me, though, that everyone else had spotless reputations while mine was crap. And all I did was kiss Ivan Braginsky._

_He wasn't even taken._

I stare out the window.

_Anyways. I went to a party, and Mathias was there. Nothing weird about that, he usually drank a lot, had fun, all that stuff. But Maple, you rarely went to parties. So I... I took the opportunity. I'm sorry._

_I went to talk to Mathias. He gave me half of his drink. You're all probably thinking, Nice. Get the girl drunk. Have fun._

Mathias doesn't do stuff like that. People must misunderstand.

_But if he wanted to get me drunk, wouldn't he give me all of my drink, or suggest that I get some more? We sat down on the couch and talked. Well, another couple was sitting there, and the girl- who will come up later, so pay attention- seemed quite drunk. She kept bumping into me. It might have been funny at first, but it got annoying fast._

_Mathias and I got up, and we went into an empty bedroom._

_No. Shut the hell up! Shut up! It's not my reputation! Just listen!_

I am listening.

_We just laid down on the bed. Just laid there, his arm around my shoulders. The ceiling fan was going in circles, and I was watching it, until Mathias asked me if I wanted to talk._

_I didn't know why. I didn't want to get close to him. My life was already over. I yelled for him to get out. He propped himself up on one elbow, staring at me._

_"Get out!" I yelled again, rolling over so my face was in the pillow. Even with it muffling my voice, he heard me. He got up slowly. I saw the light shining on me when he opened the door, a sliver of it, then it disappeared as he walked out into the hall, closing the door._

_And that's when I began to cry._

_So to both of the Køhlers, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Maple, I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I should have given it to your brother. I know we were friends, we worked the movie theater together, I can't even say how many days we would sit at my house, painting our nails, talking and listening to music._

_But I couldn't give it to your brother._

_And I'm sorry._

My tape is over. _I'm _crying now, sobbing. Arthur parks the car on the side of the road, watching me.

"Maple, I'm sorry."

"I-I- I don't u-understand, w-why she..." I sniffle. "I-I do... I just d-don't... I'm s-sorry..."

"Maple." Arthur hugs me, and I know he's crying too.

"I m-miss her."

"I do, too."


	11. Cassette 5: Side B

Arthur lets me out near the train. He says it's not safe for someone like me to be wandering around in the near middle of the night. At the moment, I don't care if someone kills me or not. I do, really, it's just what I'm thinking because of everything that's going on.

"Arthur," I say as he starts to drive away. "T-Thank you."

He nods once, his emerald eyes still bright with tears, then he turns the other way, and like that, he and his car are gone.

I flip my tape over and press Play, half hoping it's Natalia saying everything is a joke, that this is all just a dream, and when I wake up, everyone will be normal and nice and Natalia will walk into school, sit down where she normally does, and smile at everyone like she used to.

_Hello, again. Maple, when you mail the tapes, I want you to skip this person, okay? Send the tapes to the person after this tape._

_Because this tape is for someone who has already had a tape._

Names run through my head. Emil, Katyusha, Toris, Wang, Alfred...? Who could it be?

_Ivan. Ivan. I am so sorry. I am so sorry we both had to go through this._

_At the party, after Mathias left me alone in the room, I had been lying on the bed for, I don't know, fifteen minutes? Anyways, I heard some people entering the room. So I hopped off the bed and threw myself into the closet._

_I opened the door enough so I could see what was going on._

_It was the drunk girl and her boyfriend, the one that kept bumping into me when I was trying to talk to Mathias._

Oh, that's right. Natalia said she would mention this girl again. I board the train and sit down in an empty seat, which there are plenty of, and stare at the ground.

_The girl is Katyusha Braingskaya._

Natalia starts crying. What? What could Katyusha do that was so bad? Or Ivan? This tape is for him, isn't it? Again?

_Katyusha, I am so sorry. I- I- Okay, Natalia, get yourself together._

She takes a deep breath.

_Ivan. Ivan and Katyusha. They made a nice couple, then. Nicer than Ivan and me? Probably, because Katysuha wasn't a complete mess-up._

_Anyways, Katyusha was even drunker than before. I mean, she was barely conscious. Ivan was basically carrying her. I saw all of this, hiding in the closet, my breath held._

_Ivan laid her down on the bed and kissed her, filled up a glass of water from the attached bathroom and set it on the side table near Katyusha, then left._

_Nothing more._

Why does this matter? I tap my foot on the floor, wondering where I'm going to go after this.

_As Ivan was opening the door to leave, I was about to exit, too, but I heard voices._

_"Go away. You can see she is sleeping, da?" Ivan. That's what I heard you say, Ivan._

_"Let me in." Now, everyone. I can absolutely tell you who the second person is. I know who it is Ivan was trying to keep out of the room. I know his name, I know his grade, I know his family._

_ But I'm not going to say._

_I wasn't positive of the situation, but I could guess. Ivan didn't want to leave an almost-passed-out Katyusha alone with this guy, but the guy wanted in. Ivan and the guy argued for a few minutes, then Ivan sighed and let him inside._

I catch my breath. Ivan let that guy in. With the room dark, with Katyusha passed out, with Natalia hiding in the closet. Of course, he didn't know about that last one.

_Ivan. Listen. I don't blame you completely. You tried to stop the guy at first, and you didn't do anything to Katyusha. But you could have stopped him._

_I know what you're thinking- isn't what this guy did worse?_

_Yes. Absolutely yes. Worse, twice as worse, ten times as worse. But in order to keep the tapes moving, I had to do this, Ivan._

_Because if the guy that did the real damage heard this, he would know. Well, he would know that we know. And isn't that reason enough for him to just leave? He could be charged and would face consequences. So, Ivan, I'm sorry._

_And Katyusha, if you're listening, I'm sorry. No matter what you did to me, I am sorry. So sorry. I can't apologize enough._

_Ivan, we're both at fault. We both could have stopped him. But you let him in, and I stayed in the closet. I know Ivan lied about me, but this is a much bigger issue. And Ivan, we're in the much bigger issue together. We both could have done something._

_But we didn't, and now we can't._

I put my head in my hands, feeling really and truly sick. I do not want to go to school tomorrow. I do not want to see Ivan or Katyusha, knowing what happened. I do not want to see Alfred, knowing about his cameras, or Emil. Or Elizabeta or Gilbert or anybody.

I would cry, but I already cried myself out in Arthur's car.

I have the worst emotion. The emotionless sadness, where you can't cry or really think, you can only sit there and try to process what has just happened, lost in thought.

I rummage around in my bag for the sixth cassette. I check my phone for the time. 11:45. I consider going home, slipping in through the front door, knowing the porch light will be on for reasons I already explained, but something is keeping me from getting off at the station nearest my house.

I still can't believe Natalia said she might have been in love with Mathias. I can't believe him, though. When we heard Natalia died, he just sighed and shook his head. But when we got home from school, he shut himself in his room, not coming down for dinner.

I didn't see him until the next morning.


	12. Cassette 6: Side A

I get off at the stop closest to the gas station. It's only about two blocks away, and I still see traffic moving around outside, so I should be fine. Most stores are closed by now, except for the 24/7 convenience shops.

I walk into the gas station's little 'junk food store', wincing at the bright lights. The vibrant tiles seem so surreal, and the normalcy of everything makes me feel like I've stepped into another world.

"Hey, hun," the clerk at the counter says, looking up from where she's painting her nails. She looks barely out of high school.

She notices me staring at the nail polish and laughs, winking an eye. "Don't tell the manager, 'kay?"

I grab a soda and a pack of Skittles. "Um, is there a restroom here?"

The clerk reaches behind the counter and pulls out a key. "Back there," she says, pointing. "Give me the key when you're done."

When I get in the bathroom, I lock the door. I try to throw up. It doesn't work. I try to cry, but that doesn't work, either. Instead, I take a few paper towels and wash my face with cold water, smoothing out my hair, rinsing off tear stains from my face.

I walk back out, taking deep breaths, and give the lady back the key. I leave, playing the second-to-last tape. This, apparently, is the person who I have to send the tapes to. So Natalia said.

_After the little... experience... I exited the room, and fast. I exited the house, leaving behind Mathias and Ivan and Katyusha. This might be a movie. House of Horrors. Am I getting corny? I'm sorry._

_I sat down on the curb just outside of the house, when up walked another girl._

_A cheerleader._

The cheerleader that was working the Oh My Dollar Valentines? I'm pretty sure that was Mei Xiao, if that's who Natalia's talking about.

_Mei Xiao. She was being nice. She said I looked upset, and she asked if I needed a ride home. Then she pulled me up from the curb._

_It was such a great feeling to be helped. I suppose I might have been able to be saved if I had done different things- but then again, you all could have done different things._

I flinch. If I had known any of this at all, I would have helped her. Something. I would have done something.

I keep saying that, but I wonder, if I really knew Natalia was going through all this, would I have honestly said anything? Maybe. I don't know.

_Can I tell you guys something?_

_I witnessed a murder._

I choke on my soda, spitting it out. It leaves a splatter on the sidewalk, and I wipe my mouth, still coughing. What?

_Okay, okay. I'm being a little dramatic. It wasn't like that exactly. But I'll bet I made some of you double-take, eh? Fine, I'll be serious._

_Who here remembers Eduard von Bock?_

Oh shit.

_I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm sorry... Again..._

Eduard had been a senior when he died. He was driving somewhere, and a car slammed into him. The car that hit him had an old man inside.

I was there. I saw the car accident. I saw it, and it was awful.

And when the police arrived, they told me to calm down the old man's wife. I did. I called her, and assured her that her husband was alive and fine. The old man had a broken arm, but that was it.

But the car the old man hit was Eduard von Bock's car. And Eduard died on impact.

How is Natalia related to this? How could she witness 'murder?' I _saw _the accident happen. It wasn't pleasant. But Natalia wasn't there.

_I got into Mei's car, and she said she was going to drive me home. But she swerved. She didn't hit the side of the road or anything, and she just laughed a little. There were no cars around, so I wasn't too worried, it's not like she was going to cause a fender-bender with some random SUV._

_But still, I was concerned._

_"Mei," I had said. "How much have you had to drink?"_

_"Not enough," she laughed. "Not enough to make me a bad driver. Don't worry, Natalia."_

_CRASH._

_The Stop sign on the corner of Tanglewood and Cottonmill. That's where Eduard and that old man got in the accidnet._

_They did not get into the accident because Eduard was drunk, or because the old man wasn't paying attention._

_They got in the accident because there was supposed to be a Stop sign there, and for one night, there wasn't._

_If you're not getting it, they got in the accident because Mei was too drunk to drive and she knocked down the Stop sign. The Stop sign that could have saved Eduard's life._

_After the Stop sign was knocked over, Mei grinned a little. "That wasn't too bad, was it?"_

_"Mei, don't drive. You're drunk."_

_We argued for a little, until she told me to get out of the car. She unbuckled my seat belt and literally pushed me out of the car next to the fallen Stop sign. Then she drove away, slamming my door shut._

_I ran to the gas station for the payphone and called 9-1-1. I said that on the corner of Tanglewood and Cottonmill..._

_But the operator told me to calm down, someone had already called. It was okay. I was confused. Sure, it must have taken me some time to get to the gas station, but I had doubted Mei would call herself in._

_It turns out, while I was running to the payphone, the crash happened._

_The next Friday, they were holding a funeral. If you went, you didn't miss anything at school, trust me. We had a free class for every period._

_I spent most of the time thinking about my death. I mean, I was pretty sure I was going to end things sooner or later._

_I was just wondering what it would be like. How everyone would react._

_So, Mei, did you get your car fixed? I saw a dent on it. I bet your parents covered it up as damn fast as they could, didn't they?_

_Ah, Natalia Arlovskaya._

_I'm such a joke._

I can't believe it. When Eduard died, we were all pretty shaken up. I mean, I didn't know him that well, since he was a senior, but a couple people in our grade were pretty concerned. I try to think back. Did Mei go to the funeral?

And then I remember- Mei is my lab partner in science. She was at school the day of Eduard's funeral, and I recall we had a conversation about how sad the whole thing was.

She hid herself well. I never would have guessed she had anything more to do with it than being a horrified classmate, and she sympathized that I witnessed the crash.

Oh, you're probably wondering why I was even out late at night to see the crash.

I was walking to the party that Natalia and Mei had left, because Mathias- stupid old Mathias- said he was drunk and needed a ride home.

Which I know now is probably a lie. Mathias is smart enough to know how to act drunk. This was the night he kissed Natalia. He probably just was too lazy to drive himself home.

I think about Mei Xiao. She cares about her looks, she cares about her clothes, but in the end, she doesn't care enough to attend the funeral of a boy she killed.


	13. Cassette 6: Side B

I walk back to the street where Alfred lives. Not with much purpose, just a test.

Sure enough, Gilbert is still crouched on the curb, a black hoodie pulled over his silver hair. He looks up when he sees me walk over.

"The hell do you want, Maple?" He sneers.

It occurs to me I don't know why I came. "I- Um, I- I'm sorry."

Clearly this is not what he was expecting. "What?"

"I said, I'm sorry." My voice raises an octave. It sounds worried, hysterical even. Gilbert pats the curb next to him. "Sit down. Which tape are you on?" I sit.

"The... the one after Mei's."

"Ahh. So you passed your tape?"

"Yeah."

"But then you heard mine..." Gilbert trails off slowly, his red eyes searching the street. I never noticed this, that his eyes are red.

"Don't touch me," I say, every muscle in my body tensed, ready to run, the adrenaline kicking in full-notch.

Gilbert's eyes widen. "You dummkopf. I'm not going to. Great, now Natalia's given me a bad rep. I wasn't trying to do anything. I was just playing around.

"Okay," I say. "I'm sorry. But why...?"

"Actually," Gilbert mutters. "I thought it was a joke."

"The tapes?"

Gilbert gives me a hard stare. "No, the whole Oh My Dollar Valentines thing. Because of her reputation with Ivan... Wouldn't you?"

I shrug. "I guess so. Still, you shouldn't have touched her like that."

"I _know," _Gilbert says. "But as I left, I saw out of the corner of my eye, Yao Wang sit down. So I figured that he... wasn't going..."

"Yes, but he did," I say hopelessly. "None of us saw it coming."

"I'm sorry about what I said to you when you came here the first time," Gilbert says. "I knew that you hadn't done anything, but you didn't know that, and I chose to rub it in your face. Not very awesome of me."

"It's okay."

"Spoiler alert?"

"What?"

"The next tape is for Francis."

"Francis?" I drink more of my soda. "Francis Bonnefoy?"

"That's the only Francis I know."

"Hey. Do you know who... with Katyusha, after Ivan left... do you know who it was?"

Gilbert shakes his head once, slowly, but I know he's lying.

"Was it you?"

_"NEIN! DON'T YOU DARE SUGGEST THAT!"_ He yells, his voice so loud I flinch back, falling on my messenger bag. His German accent is thick, and I am scared. "I'm sorry," I say. "Sorry."

"Oh." Gilbert narrows his red eyes. He's crying. Gilbert Beilschmidt is crying. I thought I would never see this. Ever. I never liked Gilbert, the popular class-clown. But still, I have sympathy. I would have sympathy for anyone who listened to these tapes.

"I have my suspicions on who it was," he says, his voice quiet. "But of course, I'm not saying anything. I don't think you're untrustworthy, Maple, but..."

"It's okay." I pat his shoulder awkwardly. "You don't have to say anything. But about Francis..."

"Ja?" Gilbert seems happy about the change of subject.

"Is what he did really bad?"

Gilbert nods. "It is. Natalia could have done something, I will admit, but just listen to the tape. You'll understand. Listen to it now."

I slide in the twelfth tape. Second to last, and Natalia's shaky voice comes on.

_Tomorrow._

Tomorrow what? I look over at Gilbert, but he's facing the other direction, watching the dark sky. No cars drive by, so we stay on the curb.

_I've had this game I like to play for a while. Ways to Kill Myself._

I feel sick to my stomach. Again.

_First is the obvious. A gun. But, my parents never owned one, and I have no idea where I'd even get one. Another idea I had was hanging myself._

_But then someone would find me. I couldn't do that... to my parents._

_Lots of creative ideas I had, actually. But now I'm down to two of them._

Which are?

_One of them is just to make it look like an accident. You know, drive off the side of the road someplace where death would be guaranteed. There are a lot of places like that on the outskirts of town, places with zero chance of survival if whoops, your car just happened to swerve off the road._

I know the other option is pills, because that is how Natalia actually killed herself. Overdose. I heard lots of rumors. That she took just enough pills to fall asleep in the bathtub. Or that she was running the water when she fell asleep and her parents found her, dead, the bathroom flooded.

But everyone knows for certain it was pills that did the real damage.

_The other is pills. How many? What type? I don't have much time to decide, because I'm doing it tomorrow._

_Wow. Wow. Tomorrow, I will be dead, the tapes will be on their way to Ivan Braginsky. It's a weird feeling for me, knowing that soon..._

_I won't exist._

A tear falls out of my eye, and I make this horribly deranged choking sound. Gilbert pats my back.

_Well, let me recount to you the events that happened earlier. The last weekend of my life. There was a new party right near my house. I was not attending. By the way, that's G-3 on your map. _

Like hell Natalia thinks I'm going over there.

_But after my parents went to bed, I snuck out to the house of the party. And it was already over, but a couple of people had gathered in the host's hot tub for a sort of after-party._

_None other than Elizabeta and Francis. Francis Bonnefoy._

_I got in the hot tub. Elizabeta left. Francis and I chatted for a while, and then he touched my shoulder._

_Probably testing that reputation I got in the very beginning._

_Ivan, sweetie?_

_Anyways, how should I say this. I know some of you probably aren't up for a description, so I'll just say stuff happened in the hot tub, and leave it up to your imagination to fill in the blanks._

I put my head between my knees, counting my breaths. One. Two. Inhale, exhale. Repeat.

_But let's be clear, Francis._

_I heard you were always like that to girls, kind of perverted with a new girlfriend every day._

_I was not physically attracted to you. I was not attracted to your personality. You sickened me._

_I was attracted to you because I needed you._

_I needed you to help me let go._

_And you did a really good job. So thanks._

_Let me explain. I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself, but I wasn't positive. I needed one life-shaking, world-spinning horrific event to happen to me to make myself slip over the edge._

_Now, I can see some of you with the argument of, 'Well, Natalia, you chose to let Francis at you, you could have stopped him. You wanted to go over the edge, so why are you blaming us?'_

_Good question._

_The answer? I don't know._

_Maybe you'll find out in the next tape._

_There's just one left._


	14. Cassette 7: Side A

_One... last... try._

_There's one person I know._

_Because of budget cuts at school, they got rid of the counselor, so this kid listens to people's issues._

Lukas Bondevik.

_But I didn't want to talk to him as a counselor. I wanted to talk to him... as a friend. Because we were childhood friends, and I wanted to speak with someone who knew the old me. Actually, he moved first, then I found out later I was moving to the same town he lived in._

_So if this conversation goes wrong, you'll know._

_I'll be dead._

Natalia, you should never put that much faith in one person. Besides, when Lukas hears this, he'll probably feel awful. I remember how people were making fun of him because he cried in the bathroom when word of Natalia's death spread.

Lukas seems nice enough to me. He and Mathias hang out sometimes, and while I occasionally have to drag Lukas off of my brother to keep them from strangling each other, he's never said anything mean or insulting to me.

_Alright, here we go..._

_Lukas?_

_-Oh. Natalia. You need something?_

I recognize Lukas' flat, emotionless voice right away.

_Sort of. Can we talk?_

_-Um, yeah, sure. What's up?_

_W-Well... I think I'm going to kill myself._

_-What? You're joking._

I can hear a tiny bit of fear creeping into Lukas' tone of voice. That's one of those lines where someone is either joking or serious- you don't just randomly say something like that to someone on a whim.

_I'm not joking, Lukas._

_-Do you need me to do anything?_

_Last night... um..._

_-You drank, didn't you? That doesn't matter. That's not a reason to do anything. I drink all the time._

I feel a bit surprised, then shake it off. Lukas and I have actually shared beers (mainly Mathias again, but hey, you can't be his sister and not drink _sometimes_).

_That's not what I meant, Lukas. There was this boy..._

_-Who was it?_

_That's not important._

_-Did he touch you?_

_Sort of._

_-What do you mean, sort of?_

_I let him._

_-You were drunk?_

_No._

The conversation is not going well. And I know, from the outcome, it ultimately failed in the end. But if I were in Lukas' position, I'm not sure there was really any more I could say. Lukas and Natalia continue speaking.

_-What do you mean, 'no'?_

_By no, I mean no. I was not drunk._

_-Is this about your reputation?_

_What damn reputation? Why would you say something like that?!_

_-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't cry. But about killing yourself? Why? Just because of this one guy..._

_But Lukas! It wasn't just this one guy!_

_-So you had one of your little girlie-crushes on this guy that... um..._

_I did not! He disgusts me!_

_-Then why did you let him..._

_Because I know that I'm going to go..._

_-Go?_

There's a pause in the conversation. I clench my teeth. Gilbert hasn't moved.

_Go away and never come back._

_-Natalia, don't._

_Why not? It's all over. Everything's ruined._

_-It's not. Don't say that. So about this guy. Are you going to do anything?_

_Like, report him to the police?_

_-Yeah._

_No, I don't think so._

_-Why not? If it was against your will-_

_But it wasn't against my will._

_-I thought you said he disgusted you?_

_He does. But I needed him,_

_-For the thing?_

_No, I needed him to let go._

I hear Natalia pushing her chair back, standing up. No. Lukas. Stop her.

_-Natalia, wait._

_No._

She's walking. Stop her.

_-Natalia, I'm not judging you. Please. Don't._

_I'm sorry, Lukas._

Stop her! Don't let her leave that room, Lukas! When you do, it's all over!

I hear a door open.

_-Natalia!_

The door closes. Natalia starts talking again. She's not talking to Lukas. She's left his house, and she's talking to us. She's crying.

_Ladies and gentlemen. He let me go._

So turn back around! Her footsteps get faster.

_And now I know what I needed to know. A lot of you cared._

_Just not enough. That is what I needed to find out._

She never said a word to me about any of this. It's not like she was so emotionally ravaged you could tell on the outside, so why? Why?

_Tomorrow, Ivan, you will get the tapes._

_Then Emil. Then Katyusha..._

_And..._

_I'm sorry._

The tape clicks off. I stare at my hands, dumbstruck.

I'm sorry.

Her last words to us. I'm sorry.

"Maple, are you finished?" Gilbert looks over at me.

I stand up and start running away.

"Wait!" Gilbert calls, but he makes no motion to follow me.

Let him sit there and rot! Let him rot in hell, let everybody rot in hell! I feel tears streaming out of my eyes. I trip over the curb and land hard. My hands didn't break the fall, and my knees are banged up. I feel blood trickling out of my chin, but I wipe it on my sleeve and keep running.

I run all the way home, turn the key in the lock, and yank open the door. Who cares if I wake up Mathias? What matters anymore?

I'm out of breath and I collapse right there on the kitchen's hardwood floor, panting.

I hear footsteps walking down the stairs.

"Maple! Are you okay?"

"Go away! Leave me alone!"

"You're bleeding," Mathias says, trying to look at my face. "What happened? Did someone attack you? Why were ya even walking around, it's"- he glances at the clock on the stove- "like 2:30 in the morning."

"I know! I know! Shut up!" I don't even have the energy to lift myself off the ground.

I feel bad at being so mean to Mathias until I remember he's partly to blame. "You kissed her, didn't you?" I demand, pulling myself up into a chair. My chin and knees are stinging.

"I kissed who?" Mathias asks, tilting his head. "Did you hit your head?"

"Natalia! Don't play dumb! Natalia Arlovskaya, the night Eduard von Bock died and the night Ivan left Katyusha and Mei knocked over the Stop sign and you left her all alone!" I say all this in one breath and then gasp for air.

"Hey! Hey! Calm down! Explain," Mathias says.

"Are you sure?" It's finally registered in my brain that nothing I'm saying makes a whit of sense to someone who hasn't heard the tapes.

"Explain from the beginning." Mathias sits down, pours me a glass of water and himself a coffee, then tells me to calm down, breathe, start over.

So I start from yesterday when I came home from school, the moment he told me I had a package.

The package I now know was from Toris Laurinaitis.

-###-

A/N- Almost, but we haven't reached the last chapter YET!


	15. How the Story Ends

"Tomorrow, maybe? Is tomorrow okay?... Ma'am?"

"What?" I turn my attention to the guy at the post office. I'm sending the tapes to Mei Xiao, ready to continue the chain of destruction. Mathias stayed up until five in the morning with me, listening to the tapes, and he didn't go back to sleep.

I remember what he said at the very end. _I still love her._

He's staying home from school. I don't blame him. I think the flu came back.

"The package will get to her house tomorrow. Would you like to pay two extra dollars to have it arrive today?"

"Uh, no thanks. Today's fine," I say, sliding over some money.

"Do you want the receipt?"

"Um..." I glance over. "No, that's okay."

The guy behind the counter tears the receipt off the machine and drops it in the trash. I have to fight the instinct to bend over and rip it out of the trash.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder. I had to wait until nine when the post office opened, and I'll be late, but do I care? I already killed as much time as I was able to by stopping at Monet's to get a coffee.

No. Not at all.

By the time I get to school, everyone's halfway through second period. I sit outside of my locker, waiting for the class to end, occasionally sipping my coffee, head tipped back against locker #1364- Kiku Honda's, I think. He wasn't on the list, and I feel a quick twinge of emotion- anger, or jealousy, maybe even sadness.

Someone's door opens twenty minutes before the bell for class change rings, and Matthew Williams walks out. His footsteps are so quiet, I consider for a moment he might be a ghost, or maybe a cloud.

I stand up and follow him down the hall. His back is to me, and he doesn't notice me.

I see him get some things from his locker, then he slams it shut and keeps walking down the hallway. I stop when he makes a left turn. I know where he's going- the front entrance. He's leaving.

I watch him walk down the last hallway between the high school and the outside world- the outside world filled with people. Jokesters, poets, athletes, photographers, artists. People with stories that include cafes and diners, drugs and alcohol. People who lie about broken Stop signs and dreams and boys and girls who committed suicide.

He still doesn't hear me, now two steps away from the door, and I feel panic rise in my throat.

"Matthew."

.,.,.,.,.,.,

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think Natalia must be proud- whether she's in heaven or hell or reincarnated or non-existing- that she saved a life. Matthew's life.

Because a life is such a precious and delicate thing.

I know how Natalia's story ended- a single kiss changed her life, and that single kiss ended her life.

Here are some things that I _don't _know. First off, I don't know how your story is going to end. Maybe it will end on a hospital bed surrounded by crying family and friends, or peacefully while you're having the best dream ever. Should you ever choose to make your end like Natalia's, listen to me.

I don't know how my story is going to end, but there is one thing I am absolutely positive about.

I'm not ready to let go.

And you shouldn't be, either.


End file.
